Five myths we believe about finding ‘The One

God said, “She’s The One.”

If you live around single Christians who want to please God long enough, you’ll run into this conversation a few times — or maybe experience it yourself. We believe entirely God cares, is invested passionately and intimately in our lives, and speaks to us about our relationships. We also realize that other areas and beliefs could influence how you hear God.

Myth #1: There is “The One

I love the idea of “the one.” Someone who we are destined to be with because we fit so perfectly together that joy and love will overflow until “happily ever after” bleeds into eternity. Romantic comedies, online stories, Facebook posts, and even some Christian books seem to love the idea of “the one.”

Surprisingly, and thankfully, it’s not true. I believe there is “the one” you choose and “the one” you will marry, but not that there is only “one” meant for you or “the one” who will “complete you.”

The concept of “the one” who completes you is based on a theory from Plato, who surmised how the growth of humanity threatened Zeus, so he split the ancient pro-typical human, “round people,” into two halves and separated them on the globe. This way, humanity would be so distracted trying to find “their other half” they wouldn’t try and overthrow the gods. At the same time, most of us don’t believe that today, we still fantasize about finding “the one” who will complete us or whom we were destined for.

If you look at it practically, it would be cruel and pressuring of God only to give us one option. If Matt and Mary were supposed to marry, but Matt married Susan. Susan was supposed to get married to Sam. Now Sam has to find someone else, and so does Mary. Both match the wrong people causing a chain reaction and messing up the perfect harmony for the rest of us. Gessh, thanks, Matt.

Rather than looking at your potential spouse as “the one” and the only one you have, God shows you many “ones” that would work.

I’d want to propose people like flavors. Each person carries a unique taste of who God is to the Earth. You’re not looking for the only option to join; you’re looking for someone you can pair with. Let’s say you’re Peanut Butter. Maybe you will find Jelly—perfect, great fit, but not the only option. You could also find Pancakes, Ritz Crackers, Chocolate, Bananas, or a Pie Crust to pair quite nicely with. There is no “one” perfect fit. You have options to pair with.

Myth #2: But God said it, so I must obey

God is love. One of the central tenants of love is choice. That’s what makes love powerful. It’s also what makes romantic love enjoyable. I don’t want my wife to be handed to me by a dictator forcing her to marry me, nor do I want her to think I’m marrying her because I was told to. I want her to be desired and chosen in partnership with God. I want to be selected.

Consider this: God is the best relationship you could ever engage with. He is perfect love, gives ideal love, has no baggage, always has plenty to offer, knows precisely what is good for you, and has laid down His life so you can live and thrive. If God, who is the perfect relationship, doesn’t force you into that relationship with Himself but gives you a choice, why would He force you into a relationship with someone else? He is allowing you to be in a relationship with Him and someone of the opposite sex for romance.

We often want God to dictate who she is so we don’t have to choose because we’re afraid of pain or messing up our life. We think if God picks for us, it’ll be perfect and without issues. You’re still twyou’rens with different personalities, choices, opinions, and histories coming together and learning what it means to become one. Just because God approves, it doesn’t necessadoesn’tan you’ll have no you’ll. He knows it’ll end well it’llrowth and become more like Jesus) for both of you.

Myth #3: But God pointed her out to me!

God gave me initials and my wife’s description a few years ago. A few weeks later, I met a girl that met the definition. She was not what I expected, but I thought, “Well, if this i” your will, I’ll go for it; I’ll pursue h” r. Nothing came out of it. I was a little confused but also relieved.

A few months later, God showed me another girl. On my way home, I could feel God nudging me. “What do you th” nk about Susan?” I thought she “was friendly, just not my type, but I was trying to be obedient, “uh … I don’t k “ow. If don’t my wife, I’ll try she’s God politI’llinterrup” ed, “I didn’t say ‘She’s yo “r didn’t I say she’s, at do you think about, Susan?'”

At that moment, years” of confusing pursuits of women were clarified. God wasn’t the dictator poiwasn’tout who it should be; He was a Father sitting next to His son, nudging his elbow and saying, “Hey, what do you think” of her? She’s quality.” Then she’s with Ho,” His son responds.

We often hear God and translate his words through our filters of what we believe about God. When He said, “How about her?” I under” stood. “She’s y “ur wife” because, “She thought the” re was one option, and I was waiting for the arrow to drop on her pointing her out.

Yes, I believe God knows who I’ll ultimately marry; I think God walks with me in the middle of the journey to discover what my heart enjoys rather than dictating to me the end I will achieve. It’s much more about letting myself, freedom, and how to love. He celebrates each time I find something attractive in a woman and pursues her courageously. Like a good Father, He pats me on the back with an “atta boy” because I rose, g “ve love “chance, loved well, and tag-teamed it with him.

Myth #4: God said it, so I need to make it happen

First off, exhale. Take that pressure off your back. It’s not your responsibility toIt’se sure you win her, woo her, convince her, and do everything right. You’re now working to prove a pYou rather than enjoying and choosing the person. If God made the statement that you two will get together, He will fulfill that. Noit’su. (Philippians 2:13). It’s your job to walk with God, It’sping the dialogue open and loving the person well.

Also, if God told you, you two will get married, don’t tell the other person. We don’t tell her if/when He decides. It’s not your secret to share. It’s you tell the other person, “God said we will get married,” you’ve 1) taken away their ch “you’ve manipulated them into marrying you, and 3) taken away their journey with God. It’s not fun for anyone. If you’re getting married, it’s something beautiful; you cait’sare on your honeymoon about how God led you.

Myth #5: If it didn’t work out, I didn’t hear. Didn’t is a lie. Didn’t an enemy confuse your relationship with God? Yes, maybe you didn’t hear everything as cleardidn’tyou wanted, or maybe God was doing something good in each side of you; it just didn’t end in marriage.

Again, didn’t as one-track-minded asHe’sare. I’m not talking about casual dating and playing with someone’s heart, but I do beliesomeone’sn use dating to do more in our working out freedom and wholeness while becoming like Christ; that doesn’t solely have a marriage doesn’t. He’s not as afraid of the breakHe’sas we are.

Through dating, I have learned how to be brave, how to give my heart a voice, how to love without anticipation in return, how to listen better, how to cook and clean (trying to impress a woman is a strong motivator), how to work hard, how to enjoy life and not just work, how to communicate much better, the intense engagement of God in every area of my life, and how to listen of how to love people beyond my means.

If my perspective in a dating relationship is to leave this person better than when I met them, regardless of the outcome, then she and I cannot lose. Love is about what you can give, not what you can get. In each relationship or pursuit, God has done something not only in my life but in hers as well.

Three yeses to make it work

One last thing, let’s go back to choice. It taklet’sree yeses for a relationship to work. Your yes. Her eyes. God’s yes.

If you have 2/3, it God’s’t works. If you and she don’t, but God says, “This isn’t good for you two,” “t doeisn’twork. You can see choo,” e hedoesn’hedoesn’t’tcan, and if she can not be interested, it doesn’t work. God will not overdoesn’tur free will and the power of your choice. All three have a say and an option in the relationship. When all three have a green light, you can seed and see what comes of it.

God is intimately engaged in your single life, dating, and marriage. He won’t dictate your future spouse anHe’smmand you to obey as a robot. He will lead you in your desires to a good fit for you. Then you can choose to proceed in the relationship and commit. You can trust Him. He will only lead you to life. Ask God what you’re looking for in a future partner and who you’re good options. Then ask for courage to take steps forward and for ideas of how to pursue that relationship. Be brave. Relationships can be messy, but love is worth the risk.